i think i've been depressed for some time now. but today i had a feeling i'm not sure i've had before. i was driving, stopped at the end of pt. rocks, getting onto the hwy. when this feeling of i-dont-care-if-i-die-right-now came over me. usually its more of i-dont-care-about-anything so this one actually made me think if i'm really depressed depressed. but somehow i felt strangely calm and peaceful.
it was one of those days i'd start crying at work. and i think how glad i work alone sometimes because then no one sees me cry. probably a blessing and a curse. all that time alone to think may be contributing to the depression. its all part of a weird cycle you can't escape.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
Apathy
The last couple months I've just felt like I don't want to do anything. I know there's a lot that needs to be done but I just can't find the motivation or desire to do anything. I think the mental neverending to-do list has started getting me down. I think I hold onto things because that give me hope that I will do something someday. not having that partially completed project to remind me and not cause me to just forget it. and I don't want to forget.
however, david brought to my attention that it'll probably never get done. why hold on. not to sound like abby, but... let it go. let it go. just accept the fact that I have changed and I need to act according to my current state.
I read about post-stroke apathy "one year later". some who had it at the beginning still had it. some who didn't have it earlier had developed it.
however, david brought to my attention that it'll probably never get done. why hold on. not to sound like abby, but... let it go. let it go. just accept the fact that I have changed and I need to act according to my current state.
I read about post-stroke apathy "one year later". some who had it at the beginning still had it. some who didn't have it earlier had developed it.
" Post-stroke apathy is a disturbance of motivation evidenced by low initiative, difficulties in starting, sustaining or finishing any goal-directed activity, low self-activation or self-initiated behavior and emotional indifference. Apathy is a common behavioral disturbance in stroke survivors."
I've come to accept I am not the same person anymore. that person that was so productive, always moving and doing and making things. I really miss her. its strange that I'm still me but not really.
so, to start, I've decided to let go of the screenprinting biz. i'll stick it out till the end of the holidays so I can use up the blank tees and make a little money. although what I was making from it wasn't much lately, it was nice having some money to spend which made it hard to give up. but not having my heart into it anymore made it difficult to put effort into keeping it alive and thrive. i'll be bummed that I didn't succeed but psychologically I feel some weight lifted from me and it feels like I am making the right decision to move forward.
that saying, if you love it, let it go. guess it applies to self-love too. gotta let go for my own sake. as difficult as it is, i have to take care of myself and re-discover who I am.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Time Flies (One Year already), bye bye amlodipine
About a month ago marked my one year. Time sure does fly. I'm actually doing a lot better than I thought I would at this one year mark. Its been a while since I've thought to myself that my brain wasn't quite all there. Mentally and physically I'm actually feeling quite good. More of my fears go away as the days pass. Life seems to be going on, how true the saying is, Time Heals. In a couple days will be the eighth month since Jiji passed, that too seems to fade into the past.
Recently I got labwork done and the latest results showed the creatine level is normal. Cholesterol is normal, HDLs are good. Triglycerides and LDLs could use a little work. Sodium was NORMAL, so they can't say I eat too much salt because I really didn't think I did to begin with, but now here's PROOF. Hematocrit, the thickness of my blood, was a little high but they say that comes with living at altitude so no concerns there.
Blood pressure seems to be steady around 120-130/85-95 so they took me off amlodipine for two weeks and see how that goes.
My weight has been around 110lbs. That's a healthy weight but it feels a tad heavy on my legs when I jazzercise or walk up stairs. My legs may have gotten weaker since I haven't been on the trail hardly at all.
I think stamina's back, I've been able to handle the usual work loads, if anything I may be a little stronger since I 've been working 5-6 hrs and I still feel fine. School's over so maybe sleeping more has been helping.
One thing's that still not back is my desire to be productive. Apathy kicks in often. David's been doing more now so at least some things are getting done. The gardening on the deck's been pretty minimal. Though I'd like to maybe getting the painting the house completed in the next year or two, plus getting new kitchen floors. Would be nice to get back into things but working 5-6 days gets in the way. I do miss being creative.
In a month will be the one year of my accident. I still think about it but it doesn't get me down as it used to. I often wonder about the man.
Recently I got labwork done and the latest results showed the creatine level is normal. Cholesterol is normal, HDLs are good. Triglycerides and LDLs could use a little work. Sodium was NORMAL, so they can't say I eat too much salt because I really didn't think I did to begin with, but now here's PROOF. Hematocrit, the thickness of my blood, was a little high but they say that comes with living at altitude so no concerns there.
Blood pressure seems to be steady around 120-130/85-95 so they took me off amlodipine for two weeks and see how that goes.
My weight has been around 110lbs. That's a healthy weight but it feels a tad heavy on my legs when I jazzercise or walk up stairs. My legs may have gotten weaker since I haven't been on the trail hardly at all.
I think stamina's back, I've been able to handle the usual work loads, if anything I may be a little stronger since I 've been working 5-6 hrs and I still feel fine. School's over so maybe sleeping more has been helping.
One thing's that still not back is my desire to be productive. Apathy kicks in often. David's been doing more now so at least some things are getting done. The gardening on the deck's been pretty minimal. Though I'd like to maybe getting the painting the house completed in the next year or two, plus getting new kitchen floors. Would be nice to get back into things but working 5-6 days gets in the way. I do miss being creative.
In a month will be the one year of my accident. I still think about it but it doesn't get me down as it used to. I often wonder about the man.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Past Three Months
I'm back on amlodipine. Tummy seems to be returning back to normal. Last BP reading was 129/90. It's getting there.
Couple brain farts. I was in the car and pulled up into the driveway. For about 10 seconds I couldn't find the latch to open the door. I felt around the door and thought to myself, I know its around here somewhere. It was up higher closer to the window. Not sure if its because I haven't had the car for that long, that the different location threw me off. Told Dr. Bagheri, he said sometimes things we do without thinking, when we think, we get confused. He thinks it might be good to see the neurologist maybe once a year.
Not sure if I talked about it, but the other one was I couldn't find my underwear after my shower. I knew for certain that I had pulled one out for I remembered the color. But I looked inside and around my pjs and couldn't find it. I thought, how odd... Then a thought struck, am I already wearing it? So I look down and yes, I was. Duh, moment.
Both instances, it happened again a few weeks later. But within the confusion I remember this had happened before, and remember what happened and problem solved.
Times like these scare me a bit. Am I losing the ability to function daily, normal routines? I wonder if its going to get worse.
I have times where I feel my consciousness drifts away. More noticeably when I drive. There was a couple times where for a second I'm not there. But regain focus soon enough to avoid any accidents. Happens more on longer drives, like to Hemet or SD. As soon as I notice I'm drifting I try to wake up. Turn on the AC, or pay attention to the radio. Stretch a little to increase circulation.
Similar things happen when I'm talking to someone, more when I listen. I drift off. David can see it in my face when that happens. Or I'll stare at the TV but not really absorb what I'm seeing. Though this might be a getting older thing.
Sometimes I feel high, but I'm sober. I walk around grocery stores, looking at things, but not really seeing. I feel airheaded and dazed. It's like my mind turned off but the body's still awake.
The last couple weeks there had been bruise like pain but no actual bruise. Tender and sensitive. It hops. Started on the right hand for a few days. Moved to my side. My leg. Today my lower back, both sides. Today was an all around pain day. Sucked. Felt like I was in a fight or the body was dropped. Left hip joint area muscles tweaked while working. Fingertips hurt from the usual cracking and dry skin. And the joints in my hands were acting up. Though mainly the right hand. That seems to be the case most of the timed. The right side gets swollen, the left stays the same.
Trying new doctor. First appointment this Friday. At Fern Creek Medical Center. Heard they have a more natural, holistic approach. The prescribe pharmaceutical grade supplements instead of pills, unfortunately insurance doesn't cover these. The last blood work showed my creatine levels still elevated. Dr. B wanted me to find a primary who could monitor me more, plus someone closer. Not sure if that's what's causing the muscle pains.
Couple brain farts. I was in the car and pulled up into the driveway. For about 10 seconds I couldn't find the latch to open the door. I felt around the door and thought to myself, I know its around here somewhere. It was up higher closer to the window. Not sure if its because I haven't had the car for that long, that the different location threw me off. Told Dr. Bagheri, he said sometimes things we do without thinking, when we think, we get confused. He thinks it might be good to see the neurologist maybe once a year.
Not sure if I talked about it, but the other one was I couldn't find my underwear after my shower. I knew for certain that I had pulled one out for I remembered the color. But I looked inside and around my pjs and couldn't find it. I thought, how odd... Then a thought struck, am I already wearing it? So I look down and yes, I was. Duh, moment.
Both instances, it happened again a few weeks later. But within the confusion I remember this had happened before, and remember what happened and problem solved.
Times like these scare me a bit. Am I losing the ability to function daily, normal routines? I wonder if its going to get worse.
I have times where I feel my consciousness drifts away. More noticeably when I drive. There was a couple times where for a second I'm not there. But regain focus soon enough to avoid any accidents. Happens more on longer drives, like to Hemet or SD. As soon as I notice I'm drifting I try to wake up. Turn on the AC, or pay attention to the radio. Stretch a little to increase circulation.
Similar things happen when I'm talking to someone, more when I listen. I drift off. David can see it in my face when that happens. Or I'll stare at the TV but not really absorb what I'm seeing. Though this might be a getting older thing.
Sometimes I feel high, but I'm sober. I walk around grocery stores, looking at things, but not really seeing. I feel airheaded and dazed. It's like my mind turned off but the body's still awake.
The last couple weeks there had been bruise like pain but no actual bruise. Tender and sensitive. It hops. Started on the right hand for a few days. Moved to my side. My leg. Today my lower back, both sides. Today was an all around pain day. Sucked. Felt like I was in a fight or the body was dropped. Left hip joint area muscles tweaked while working. Fingertips hurt from the usual cracking and dry skin. And the joints in my hands were acting up. Though mainly the right hand. That seems to be the case most of the timed. The right side gets swollen, the left stays the same.
Trying new doctor. First appointment this Friday. At Fern Creek Medical Center. Heard they have a more natural, holistic approach. The prescribe pharmaceutical grade supplements instead of pills, unfortunately insurance doesn't cover these. The last blood work showed my creatine levels still elevated. Dr. B wanted me to find a primary who could monitor me more, plus someone closer. Not sure if that's what's causing the muscle pains.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Check up coming up
I have a follow up coming up the end of the month. I shoulda went in October but with the Jiji thing I cancelled it. Gonna ask if I could go off the Losartan and maybe try amlodipine again. Tummy still not quite right. Smelly farts, I mean, SMELLY.
Been awhile since I've had a noticeable brain fart, though had one a few days ago. I couldn't find the latch to open the car door. Looked around and wondering, how strange, it's not here. But its gotta be because the door had to open from the inside. Ended up just looking in the wrong area but its usually one of those things that's instinctual, you know. Just do without thinking. Maybe I shouldn't of thought.
Also said something while I was talking to Colin and Denise. They stop me ask to repeat since they didn't quite get it. They both heard it and both thought, huh? at the same time. I had no clue what it could of been, it was one of those, I don't know what I was saying and I don't recall what it could of been.
I have been pretty good about taking the meds. I leave them on the table the night before and I've been 6/7 or 7/7 most weeks. But I've been bad at taking readings. Its been about once a month. Should start that up again so I have something to show the doc.
Thinking about changing doctor to the Fern Valley Health Center and keeping Dr. Bagheri as my cardiologist, if I ever need one. It'll be closer and appts will be easier to get, hopefully I could start doing something more natural if I'm monitored more frequently.
Been awhile since I've had a noticeable brain fart, though had one a few days ago. I couldn't find the latch to open the car door. Looked around and wondering, how strange, it's not here. But its gotta be because the door had to open from the inside. Ended up just looking in the wrong area but its usually one of those things that's instinctual, you know. Just do without thinking. Maybe I shouldn't of thought.
Also said something while I was talking to Colin and Denise. They stop me ask to repeat since they didn't quite get it. They both heard it and both thought, huh? at the same time. I had no clue what it could of been, it was one of those, I don't know what I was saying and I don't recall what it could of been.
I have been pretty good about taking the meds. I leave them on the table the night before and I've been 6/7 or 7/7 most weeks. But I've been bad at taking readings. Its been about once a month. Should start that up again so I have something to show the doc.
Thinking about changing doctor to the Fern Valley Health Center and keeping Dr. Bagheri as my cardiologist, if I ever need one. It'll be closer and appts will be easier to get, hopefully I could start doing something more natural if I'm monitored more frequently.
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