Apathy

The last couple months I've just felt like I don't want to do anything.  I know there's a lot that needs to be done but I just can't find the motivation or desire to do anything.  I think the mental neverending to-do list has started getting me down.  I think I hold onto things because that give me hope that I will do something someday.  not having that partially completed project to remind me and not cause me to just forget it.  and I don't want to forget.


however, david brought to my attention that it'll probably never get done.  why hold on. not to sound like abby, but... let it go.  let it go.  just accept the fact that I have changed and I need to act according to my current state.


I read about post-stroke apathy "one year later".  some who had it at the beginning still had it.  some who didn't have it earlier had developed it.  

    " Post-stroke apathy is a disturbance of motivation evidenced by low initiative, difficulties in starting, sustaining or finishing any goal-directed activity, low self-activation or self-initiated behavior and emotional indifference. Apathy is a common behavioral disturbance in stroke survivors."

I've come to accept I am not the same person anymore.  that person that was so productive, always moving and doing and making things.  I really miss her.   its strange that I'm still me but not really.

so, to start, I've decided to let go of the screenprinting biz.  i'll stick it out till the end of the holidays so I can use up the blank tees and make a little money.  although what I was making from it wasn't much lately, it was nice having some money to spend which made it hard to give up.  but not having my heart into it anymore made it difficult to put effort into keeping it alive and thrive.  i'll be bummed that I didn't succeed but psychologically I feel some weight lifted from me and it feels like I am making the right decision to move forward.

that saying, if you love it, let it go.  guess it applies to self-love too.  gotta let go for my own sake.  as difficult as it is, i have to take care of myself and re-discover who I am.